They have nagged me to keep paying to keep this ad free etc but I am not sure that anyone reads my old drivel any more and would they be bothered anyway…there is no Zeb any more, no Lulu. My little heart quite broke when they died. Zeb two years ago, Lulu last year – Brian has two new poodles who came to be with us in January because he doesn’t sleep well without a dog snoring in his ear and I like them lots but… anyway enough of that. Maybe I will write about them but maybe I won’t. But for nostalgia and for love I will keep this name for now and their photo on the masthead.
Here in Bristol it is May, my favourite month, and the sun has come out and it’s got warmer this week. There are new green leaves everywhere, showers of wisteria petals on the street, birds looking hard for insects to eat, as we know there are fewer insects than ever as we have either killed them with chemicals, stripped their habitats both directly and indirectly and I never thought I would miss them but I am worried. Worried and old and sad and useless. Not a player in this world, just a sojourner. So what could I write about that wouldn’t be a bit of a lie, the usual performative stuff for an imagined audience ? Here goes then – here is a beech tree I love. I suspect others do too as there is a wooden bench in front of it. It stands on the upside of a track in the bit of woodland adjacent to Kings Weston House. It’s not very big but it has song thrushes and green woodpeckers, wrens and blackcaps all singing away so if they can manage I reckon it’s a wood of sorts. If you have a phone that can use the free Merlin app you can use it to help you id birds from their calls and songs, it is a delight, no ads, no charges. Try it.
Be more tree – could be something to live by? In various fantasy books I have read the wizard heroes, mostly the men sort, often turn themselves into trees when life gets to be too much. (They usually turn back again and continue their story) I think I would be quite happy to be a tree for a while. Or maybe that thousand year old shark lurking in Antarctica. Somewhere out of the way where no one bothered you too much. Trees do more for me than sharks and are easier to talk to. So I think tree is my first choice. What would you turn into?
Look at those roots and imagine having those at your disposal
And look at the canopy, sunlight through new beech leaves is positively musical – translucent incandescent joy, imagine having those instead of clumsy fingers. Imagine being perched on by squirrels and birds. The wind and the soft night dark and the rain. Honestly I think I would root myself right there and now if someone would kindly give me a wish.
Zeb Bakes 
I confess I will read the blog post later when I have time and faculties to apply, but straight off the bat: I think of you often and am so glad to see this sign that you are “out there” and well.
Hello – still here, good to know you are there too.
Thank you for this post , it was very brave of you to mention the dogs
I’m glad you liked it x
Lovely to see your thoughts penned again.
What does one do with old blogs? I leave it lurking like Voyager out there somewhere in space – didn’t it get fixed the other day so it could talk to Earth again :)
I’m very sorry to read about Zeb and Lulu. Molly also left us to cope without her. As for old blogs, some I’ve made private and archived the contents, thinking I might use it some day … which I haven’t, so I’m no wiser about it either.
I’m really sorry about Molly. It’s so hard and I think it takes lots of time to work through and it has its own time. I will think about what you suggest. I worry slightly that it all gets consumed by AI but probably too late to worry about that.
I assume you were okay with Google and Bing and Internet Archive collecting and digesting it, so AI might help someone create the perfect sourdough loaf should you delete your blog and search engines report error 404s because the link is dead.
As for my Molly, I shall not have another dog. She will be my last and very best.
Hi Joanna.
Lovely to read your post. The photos are gorgeous, so serene and beautiful.
I remember making your kefir bread some time ago, it was great and I must do another.
I’m not sure what it is safe to turn into these days. I feel like one of those old, grumpy turtles that pop up in the media every now and then. Not sure that that would be safe either.
Losing a dog makes a hole in your heart. It never really heals up, although eventually it doesn’t hurt so much.
Please keep posting, I loved reading this one.
cheers
Erica
Hi Erica – What a lovely comment to read – I am glad the kefir bread worked for you – it was a fun bread to make. Maybe it isn’t about safety just resting in a form with a different way of experiencing the world. The media really isn’t doing much for our sanity and like the majority of people I read and see far too much of it. Losing the dogs was hard and it is just as you say. I met someone I know who dug up their entire garden, every shrub and plant because they all reminded her of her dog. Be well x jo
I am still here reading your posts – still baking some bread